How To Invent A New Religion

How To Invent A New Religion

How To Invent A New Religion (and get 1.5 billion likes!)

First thing I need to do is to create a god.

He cannot be too complex to understand or explain. He should be reasonably simple within what a human mind can grasp. Otherwise, no one would believe what I say!

To avoid complications, I will just say that god cannot be known. I will use vague terms like merciful and compassionate to describe him, like the other religions.

I need to come up with some kind of encounter where god chooses me as his messenger.  It has to be an ancounter that is impossible to have any witnesses. HAs to be some where remote. I know! I will say that I was in a cave…No. I need to make it appear more spiritual….I was MEDITATING in a cave and then god appeared to me. No,No, I cant say that. People will then ask me how did god look like and I would not be able to answer. Ah! I’ll just say an ANGEL appeared to me.

I need to add some drama to make it seem like I was the reluctant one, lest people say I made all this up since there are no witnesses. I’ll say the angel strangled me, forcing me to submit as the chosen one of god. I had no choice but to be the ultimate messenger of this god.

So far so good.

Then, I need to think about my target audience. Simple-minded, uneducated, poor, hungry, sex-starved peasants. I can easily make them my followers by promising them what they dont have.

For starters, as many wives as they want to have sex with! No, wait…there might not be enough women to go around , especially for me. I will limit them to, say, 4 wives. No limit for me though. I can have as many as I want. If anyone asks, I’ll just say god permits me but not you. I’m feeling generous though, so I’ll give them all the sex slaves their hand can possess.

If there is any discontent, I’ll tell them not to worry because in paradise they will have plenty more virgins waiting for them to enjoy. Here’s a nice random number, 72. They also get to eat all the food they want there. What the heck, I’ll even throw in a river of wine for their pleasure!

Now I have to keep them dumbed down. I cannot have intelligent or educated folks starting to ask questions which I cannot answer. I will employ a two-prong strategy. One to say, that “Sorry, the verse you question has been abrogated.” If they persist, I’ll throw this at them, “O you who have believed, do not ask about things which, if they are shown to you, will distress you.”
That should shut them up. Or else it is hell fire for the lot of them!

Next, I need to get some kind of a book written and say it is the word of god. I’m not creative enough to write stories so I’ll just borrow whatever I can recall from the Bible. In case the Christians and Jews get offended, I will placate them by saying, “Your books were sent as a revelation and as a light and my book only confirms your books.”

I may not remember all the history or chronology or names or events like in the Bible. So I’ll just mix them up in whatever random disjointed disconnected order and throw in some legends and myths. I guess none of my stories would be complete but that won’t matter. They’ll be too confused anyway. I’ll tell them, just recite it. You don’t have to read and study or understand it. Just memorize and recite it over and over and over.

I must keep it in one language though so that only my own uneducated people will recite it. If others seek to try and understand it, we will say, “No, you should only read it in my language. And you cannot understand or interpret it on your own. You need an imam or mullah to do that for you.”

Finally I will need to get some kind of slogan going. Again, I’m not smart enough to create one so I’ll just plagiarize the old saying of the Sabians, “there is no god but him.” Except that I’ll also add my own name into it! Genius!

Finally, I need a name for my new religion.
Since, my goal is to get everyone to submit to this “god”, and by that, of course, I mean I want them all to submit to me and everything I say.

So I’ll just name my new religion, SUBMIT.

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