How To Invent A New Religion

How To Invent A New Religion (and get 1.5 billion likes!)

First thing I need to do is to create a god.

He cannot be too complex to understand or explain. He should be reasonably simple being within the context of what a human mind can grasp. Otherwise, no one would believe what I say!

I will use vague terms like merciful and compassionate to describe him.

I need to come up with some kind of encounter where god chooses me as his messenger.  It has to be some place that is impossible to have any witnesses, like a emote cave on some mountain. 

I need to add some drama to make it seem like I was the reluctant one, lest people say I made all this up since there are no witnesses. I’ll say the angel strangled me, forcing me to submit as the chosen one of god. I had no choice but to be the ultimate messenger of this god.

So far so good.

Then, I need to think about my target audience. Simple-minded, uneducated, poor, hungry, sex-starved peasants. I can easily make them my followers by promising them what they dont have.

For starters, I’ll let them have 4 wives to have sex with! No limit for me though. I can have as many as I want. If anyone asks, I’ll just say god permits me but not you. I’m feeling generous though, so I’ll give them all the sex slaves their hand can possess.

If there is any more discontent, I’ll tell them not to worry because in paradise they will have plenty more virgins waiting for them to enjoy.  They also get to eat all the food they want there. What the heck, I’ll even throw in a river of wine!

Now I have to keep them dumbed down. I cannot have intelligent or educated folks starting to ask questions which I cannot answer. I will employ a two-prong strategy. One to say, that “Sorry, the verse you question has been abrogated.” If they persist, I’ll throw this at them, “O you who have believed, do not ask about things which, if they are shown to you, will distress you.”
That should shut them up. Or else it is hell fire for the lot of them!

Next, I need to get some kind of a book written and say it is the word of god. I’ll just borrow whatever stories I can recall from the Jew and the Christians. In case they get offended, I will placate them by saying, “Your books were sent as a revelation and as a light and my book only confirms your books. Relax.”

I may not remember all the history or chronology or names or events like in the Bible. So I’ll just mix them up in any random disjointed disconnected order and throw in some legends and myths.  None of my stories would be complete but that won’t matter. They’ll be too confused anyway. I’ll tell them, just recite it. You don’t have to read and study or understand it. Just memorize and recite it over and over and over to get your reward.

I must keep it in one language though so that only my own uneducated people will recite it. If others seek to try and understand it, we will say, “No, you should only read it in my language. And you cannot understand or interpret it on your own. You need an expert in the lanaguage.”

Finally I will need to get some kind of slogan going. I’ll just plagiarize the old saying of the Sabians, “there is no god but him.” Except that I’ll also add my own name to it! Genius!

Finally, I need a name for my new religion.
Since, my goal is to get everyone to submit to this “god”, and by that, of course, I mean I want them all to submit to me and everything I say.

So I’ll just name my new religion, SUBMIT.

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