How to be a prophet in Islam
1. Pretend to get revelation from Allah
2. Get caught in a lie or forget a verse
3. Say Allah made you forget it!
How to be a prophet in Islam
1. Pretend to get revelation from Allah
2. End up with a ruling that doesn’t fit well such as confining accused cheating women to their homes
3. Change it and say Allah abrogated it! 🙄
How to be a prophet in Islam
1. Promise your army lots of war booty
2. Capture women and slaves and property of disbelievers
3. When your soldiers want to have sex with married slaves, tell them Allah said its fine! They’re kafirs
How to be a prophet in Islam
1. Repeated flawed knowledge about the heavens and earth being split
2. About the sky being held up without pillars you can see
3. About sun and moon going around the earth
How to be a prophet in Islam
1. Recycle popular myths and tales that you hear like the one about Jesus
2. Make small changes to fit your theology
3. Claim your version is the original the other one corrupted 😅
How to be a prophet in Islam
1. Tell everyone you have to love me more than their mothers and fathers and children
2. Tell them Allah says they can’t raise their voices above you (49:2)
3. Tell them Allah says they have to hear and obey everything you say (8:20)
How to be a prophet in Islam
1. Get annoyed with your followers
2. Tell them to bugger off because you want to go to bed
-Scratch that-
2. Tell them *Allah* says they have to bugger off because you want to go to bed (33:53)
How to be a prophet in Islam
1. Give bad advice on a topic you know nothing about
2. When caught, tell them you are just a human and make mistakes😅
1. Call disbelievers deaf dumb and blind
2. Commit blasphemy of the state religion, break all the idols, send armies to destroy other idols (like in Taif etc)
3. Kill those who commit blasphemy of your religion or mock your religion
How to be a prophet in Islam
1. Create a totalitarian system of rule
2. Spread it with military force, subjugating those you conquer with a humiliating tax or with death
3. Kill those who leave the religion
How to be a prophet in Islam
1. Make rules that everyone has to follow such as men marrying upto 4 wives
2. Break those same rules by marrying more than 4 yourself 😅
How to be a prophet in Islam
1. Repeat common superstitions from your culture such as magic, jinns and evil eye
2. Come up with new explanations for why jinns can’t see the future (blocked by Allah’s shooting stars)
3. Come up with “solutions” such as Surah 113/114
How to be a prophet in Islam
1. Make up rules to benefit you because your wife was accused of adultery: “those who accuse their wives of adultery have to be lashed without 4 witnesses”
2. End up having to change the rules cuz they make no sense😅
How to be a prophet in Islam
1. Fall in love with your adopted son’s ex wife
2. Cancel adoption, inheritance for adopted kids, and calling adopted children by your family name
3. Marry your adopted son’s ex-wife
How to be a prophet in Islam
1. Claim you’re the bestest most perfect husband ever
2. Sleep with slave women, make your wives angry at you
3. Threaten your wives with divorce when they get mad at your bad husbanding (33:28)
How to be a prophet in Islam
1. Claim Allah said you’re the best example to follow
2. Also when your wife gets old and is worried about being divorced claim Allah made a special rule that you can give her night to your baby mama Aisha instead.
Re-published by permission from Abdullah Sameer
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