Like Allah, Muhammad had many names and titles: The Praised One, The Truthful, The Just and other names that rival Allah’s own. But Muhammad has done enough to earn another unique title—The Bedroom Prophet. Why? Because his most consistent and enthusiastic revelations seemed less concerned with mankind’s salvation and more concerned with his own lusts satisfaction.
While other prophets actually PROPHESIED, and wrestled with sin, preached righteousness, and laid down their lives, Muhammad’s biggest dilemmas seemed to be how to juggle a dozen women, silence his jealous wives, and squeeze a few more “divinely permitted” women into his bed, before heading to a paradise where unlimited women with large breasts (Quran 78:33) awaited for an eternity of frolicking.
Let’s slip under the covers and see what else we can learn about The Bedroom Prophet.
1. Special Permission “Only For You”
While Islam strictly limits Muslim men to four wives, Muhammad received a custom exception from Allah Himself. In Qur’an 33:50, Allah gives Muhammad a special buffet of sexual options: wives, slaves, first cousins, migrating women, and any woman who offers herself to him. And Allah repeatedly emphasizes this special entitlement was for Muhammad alone and no one else. How convenient.
“…and any believing woman who offers herself to the Prophet…only for you…”
— Qur’an 33:50
Allah, apparently, doubles as Muhammad’s personal pimp.
2. The Child Bride
At age 6, Aisha was betrothed to Muhammad. At 9, he consummated the marriage. Muhammad was over 54.
When asked why does an old man need to marry a child, Muslim apologists usually say either, “No! She was 18 or 21” OR “It was normal back then.” Normal doesn’t mean it is right. And no Muslims has brought a hadith that claims she was 18 or 21. Aisha herself said that she was still playing with dolls
“The Messenger of Allah married me when I was six and consummated the marriage with me when I was nine, and I used to play with dolls.”
— Sunan an-Nasa’i 3378
Welcome to pedophilia in Islam, backed by hadith and sanctioned by Allah because Muhammad had a liking for little girls.
3. Marrying Your Son’s Wife Because Allah Said So
Muhammad lusted after Zaynab, the wife of his adopted son Zayd. When Zayd divorced her, Allah wasted no time giving the green light for his beloved:
“When Zayd had no longer any need of her, We married her to you.”
— Qur’an 33:37
This is in the Quran. Can you believe it? The Quran has no instructions on how a billion Muslims are to conduct their prayers but here in this verse, Allah makes sure everyone, for all time, knows that he approved it. Why was the Omnipotent Creator so preoccupied with Muhamad’s sex life?
This also led to a new law banning child adoption, just so Muhammad could bypass the embarrassing moral awkwardness and tell everyone, “But…but Allah said it’s OK for me to marry her.”
It gets even worse. The verse goes on to spell out that ALL Muslim men, from then on, could now go ahead and marry their daughters-in-law if their sons divorce them! In the last 1400 years since Muhammad, how many Muslims have had a throbbing desire to marry their ex daughter-in-laws? Maybe you are all just more moral than Muhammad.
4. The Slave Girl Scandal
One day Muhammad was caught red-handed by his wife Hafsa. He was in Hafsa’s bed with her maid, Maria the Copt. As can be expected, Hafsa exploded. Aisha heard about it and took Hafsa’s side.
Muhammad was flabbergasted and swore to stop sleeping with Maria.
But then… a “revelation” descended. How timely. And Allah “reprimanded” him. Oh the poor guy.
“Why do you prohibit what Allah has made lawful for you, seeking to please your wives?”
— Qur’an 66:1
Not only did Muhammad un-prohibit himself from sleeping with Maria, he also received divine permission to break his oath to his wives and ignore them. It was Allah’s will for Muhammad to continue having sex with Maria the maid. Alhamdulillah.
5. Jealous Wives? Just Threaten Them with Divine Replacement
Muhammad’s wives continued complaining about Muhammad’s affair with Maria. Imagine that! How intolerant of them. Muhammad was getting more and more annoyed with his wives. Guess what happened next? Another divine revelation! What a surprise. Allah responded with a warning to Hafsa and Aisha that if they didn’t behave, He would swap them out for “better” women as wives for Muhammad:
“…His Lord will give him in exchange wives better than you…”
— Qur’an 66:5
This is Quran-style marriage counselling: Complain, and get replaced.
6. Allah Abolishes Bedtime Schedules
Muhammad’s wives expected him to rotate his nights fairly between all 13 of them. Then came Quran 33:51, giving Muhammad the power to sleep with whichever wife he wanted with and skip whoever he wanted, and he could also go back to whoever if he changed his mind about them.
“You may defer (the turn of) any of them that you please…”
— Qur’an 33:51
Why is this random useless instruction for Muhammad’s sex schedule in the eternal Quran? How does it help the faith of a billion Muslims?
7. The Prettiest Booty
During the Battle of Khaybar, Muhammad captured a young 16 year old Jewish woman named Safiyya, whose husband he and is men had brutally tortured and killed. Her entire were family was massacred. That night, she became his wife.
No waiting period. No mourning. No questions asked.
“He took her as a wife that very night.”
— Sahih Muslim 1365
The holy prophet’s bed was never short of new recruits.
8. Aisha: “Your Lord Hastens to Satisfy You”
Even Aisha, his favourite and most beloved wife, couldn’t help but notice how Allah’s verses always benefited Muhammad personally.
“I feel that your Lord hastens in fulfilling your wishes and desires.”
— Sahih al-Bukhari 4788
Oops! When your wife mocks your revelations, maybe it’s time to admit they sound suspiciously self-serving.
9. Legendary Sexual Prowess
Someone asked if Muhammad had the strength to “visit” all his eleven wives in a single night. No problem. Allah had divine viagra on standby for him.
“He was given the strength of thirty men.”
— Sunan al-Tirmidhi 3698 (see also Sahih Bukhari 268)
Another perk of prophethood.
10. No Self-Control? Just Blame Satan
When he saw an attractive woman, Muhammad reportedly said:
“A woman advances in the form of a devil…”
— Sahih Muslim 1403a
Muhammad had trouble controlling his lust. He saw an attractive woman on the street one day and he became sexually aroused. The solution? Rush home to his wives to relieve the temptation and have sex with them. He had no self-control but it was the woman’s fault! You can read the full story in the above hadith.
Islam’s role model for modesty, everyone.
From divine exemptions to sexual entitlements, from marrying a child to having sex with the servant girl in his wife’s bed, Muhammad’s prophethood conveniently revolved around his personal libido. The Quran was less a holy book and more a bedroom instruction manual for one man.
While Jesus taught denial of self and holiness, Muhammad taught how to indulge in his lusts, and Allah approved and threatened punishment to anyone who objected.
If you’re looking for a prophet whose greatest revelations came from under the sheets, you’ve found him.
His name is Muhammad.
And this is the legacy of The Bedroom Prophet™.